I don’t know what happened. I cut the same deal with the same guy as Kissinger did, and next thing you know I’m dead and that rat bastard Hunter Thompson is writing my obituary. Knew his football. Blew his brains out. We had a laugh about that. I’m back. He isn’t. Mysterious ways. I’m big enough to do both our jobs and looking around, I can tell you they both sorely need doing.

I’m vindicated. Everybody gasped and fainted like a bunch of fucking spinsters at a nursing home dance when I said that when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal. Now it’s the law of the land. Vindicated. When the president takes you out, it is not illegal. When the president taps everybody’s phone, it is not illegal. Not illegal. Bomb who I want, where I want. Not illegal.

If I had the same tools in my time that these pantywaists have in theirs, I’d still be the fucking president, dead or not. It’s my time again.

Bastards killed Pat.

I saw the debates. Debates! “She goes running for the shelter of her mother’s …” Morons, hopheads, panty-sniffing queers and that robot-looking fella. Robots the CIA were building back in my day looked more lifelike. Say, you don’t suppose …? No, they would have built him quicker on his feet.

Debates.

I’m back. That Negro fella … smart, but soft. Nixon never had the gifts, nobody running interference, had to grind out every fucking inch, everybody always piling on. Never had the looks, face like a potato. Not vain about that. Worried, though, this high definition, there’s a lot of makeup in my future.

I’m back. Lost a step, maybe, but smarter dead than most people are alive. Done my homework, nobody ever said Nixon doesn’t do his homework. I’m back. What’s that the kids say, how do they say it?

I’m back, bitches. My country needs me.

  1. Jason says:

    Sorry, your criminal arrogance has already been surpassed. Even you wouldn’t have tried to defend torture, robot bombing of American citizens, and indefinite detention without access to due process. You’re an amateur, Nixon.

    Hell, they’d call you a socialist these days.

    • Richard Nixon says:

      It’s simply a matter of having lacked the proper tools at the time. With drones, the PATRIOT Act, national security letters and a Democratic Congress with about half a spine between them all, I would have been unstoppable. Whatever he may be, Nixon is no amateur. That said, I am running as the liberal in this contest.

  2. John says:

    might as well run as a liberal, you’re already to the left of Romney right down to your pink panties, but I think you’d at least be more likeable.

  3. Neil Goldin-Schauer says:

    Mr. Nixon, I wish we had more environmentalists like you in our federal government. Today’s Republicans would banish you from the party for thinking that clean air and water are good things. And if you were a Democrat, your ideas wouldn’t get any traction because they’re not “pragmatic” enough for our “free market” economy.

    • Richard Nixon says:

      Well, Mr. Goldin-Schauer—and may I just say, I heard wonderful things about your family from many politicians and lobbyists back in the day—yesterday’s Republicans weren’t all that fond of me either. Pragmatism means one of two things: either you want the results you’re getting, or you can’t bribe, bully or blackmail enough people to get the results you want. I have skillz.

  4. Ruby says:

    Ha! I’m ready to buy a bumpersticker! Vote Nixon— the undead liberal. (As opposed to that other guy who’s president now and whose liberalism died sometime during the general election campaign).

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